looking back. looking forward.

So the one good thing we have going for us as teachers (besides the fulfillment of raising up young minds, yada yada yada) is summer break. We are guaranteed a good two months off  work during peak holiday season. Anyway, my first year teaching high school just came to a close and it’s been a hell of a  ride. On a whim, newly downloaded tarot app in phone, I pulled a spread asking about the energies around my work life now that I’m finally coming to a pause. I still a bit stunned at the accuracy.

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Past, Present, Future spread from The Golden Thread Tarot app

past THE FOOL [REVERSED]

If this doesn’t just describe my circumstances around going for and getting this job perfectly. I was fresh out of grad school, a little desperate to never go back to my mum’s house (she’d have me I just needed to move forward), a little lost, just got a cat I couldn’t really afford for much longer than three months, and hitting submit on job applications every day like it was going out of style.

About two weeks into this furor of job applications, I receive a very strong message to cool it, and just breathe- maybe take a moment to relax and take in the fact that I’d survived (barely) the shitshow that is grad school.

I didn’t do too well with the whole relax and don’t panic thing, God knows the rent bill wasn’t relaxing, but I did slow down. I had a one application per day rule going (down from ten) and at this point I’d lulled myself into some weird fugue state of it’s going to be okay it’s going to be okay, there’s always retail, it’s going to be okay. I’ve worked retail. There is nothing okay with the way retail employees are treated. Nothing was going to be okay.

Which is why I’d started applying to jobs out of town, out of state, out of the country! Did I have a plan, a safety blanket, the thinnest of nets to catch me when I fell? No. But I got a job. It was in-state, but way out of town. I knew nobody in the new city. It was hazy circumstances. It wasn’t reliable. So of course I did it.

Pretty much the definition of The Fool reversed.

Something told me to go. I never listened to this something- they’d shown up all through my life and I always made a point of ignoring them because without fail it required that I face my fear and do something absolutely reckless and foolhardy. Always with a whisper of “it’ll be alright”, but my reaction was always yeah, no. For whatever reason, this time I listened.

I moved cities, started the job, and hated everything for about four months. In fact one of the best tarot readings I’d ever done for myself happened in my car, after hours of sighing and crying in a parking lot outside the place I was staying, devastated because I couldn’t bring myself to go in.

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present TEN OF CUPS

Fast forward and it’s still the best decision I could have made. My work is challenging but it moves me, and while I’m still learning to take better care of myself, I’m okay. Ten of Cups reminds me to not only feel relief at the chance to rest but also joy and pride that I survived one of the best and stupidest decisions I’ve ever made.

It’s very much a right-now feeling though, and it has absolutely nothing to do with what’s coming. As much as they are completion, Tens also mark an ending, a readiness for the next step. That I am completely unsure of.

I know what I want for my rest: a deepening of my spiritual practice, a chance to branch out and take time out for connection, a week by the ocean, affirm my healing work with more impactful action. I just have no idea whatsoever what I want when I wake from my restful state.

and that voice again saying it’s okay

future THE HANGED MAN

I would never claim adventurous as a trait. I do not leap, I do not jump, in fact The Fool used to be my least favorite card for all  it offered as promise. I always concentrated on the fall off the cliff, the snake waiting on the other side, the jagged rocks or stormy waters waiting below- and every time The Fool’s energy showed up in my life before this experience I felt pushed off the cliff and never like I walked over on my own.

Something about surviving that walk over the cliff, and the painful and terrifying fall after, makes it easier now to allow a Hanged Man’s future.

What does a peaceful surrender to the unknown even look?
It looks like an energy transformation from overturned Fool to serene Hanged Man.

The voice is quiet now.
Guess it’s my move.

 

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